I speak so much about giving fear the middle finger, and I deeply believe in that.
But right now, I’m really struggling with it. I’m struggling hard.
Family has been such a huge part of my life, and I’ve conformed a lot of my life to my upbringing. Over the past few years, however, I’ve felt really misunderstood. It’s been hard to come into my own without fear of judgment because they and their acceptance mean a lot to me.
But they don’t really get me anymore, and because of that, I feel like I can’t fully express myself with them. It sucks.
I grew up Catholic, and I live in an area where a lot of my neighbors are also Catholic. I don’t think it’s bad to go to church or have any kind of affiliation with an organized religion.
My issue lies simply where people shun others for not following their way of practicing faith, or by claiming they are holier than thou because they go to church every week. They don’t know I sit in devotion at least once, often twice, a day, for over an hour each time. But they do know I don’t go to church. What happened to Matthew 6:5-6?
And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites. For they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by others.
It’s awesome if you feel enriched after attending organized church services, but they just don’t do anything for me. I connect more on my own or in nature. Why is that a bad thing to some people?
And why does the Church hold such a stigma towards mysticism, especially when so many early Christians were mystics?
I have recently been called to learn more about Saint Francis of Assisi (who was a mystic and the first person to bear the stigmata). The crazy amount of synchronicities that led me to him are mind-blowing; it honestly gives me chills. And it wasn’t until the past few days that I realized I have felt connected to him since I was a kid, but it’s just now beginning to surface.
Saint Francis of Assisi had to confront his family in order to live the life he felt deeply called to live, and his work was similar in nature to what I am now being called to do. His was on a much bigger scale, obviously–I mean, he was a saint, sooo…
Anyway, he has become a big motivator for me, and I have been calling on him for support as I pursue this path–I even have a Saint Francis medallion I keep on me at all times now as a reminder to stay true to what I’m doing.
But there’s this ridiculous collective idea that people could do this stuff way back then, but for some reason if humans perform or witness miracles today, they’re working with dark, evil forces.
Why is that?
The world needs some miracles right now, and I honestly feel like it’s what the world is coming to over the next few years. There are so many dark nights of the soul and spiritual awakenings currently happening, and I believe there’s a bigger reason for all of this. We each have gifts that we came here to put into practice, but it’s up to us to grow the balls to unveil them and use them for the highest good of the planet.
But if I shared with my family all the incredible, fascinating things I have been experiencing while pursuing this work, they would either a) think I’m absolutely nuts and dismiss it like they have a lot of other things I’ve tried to talk about, or b) would think the devil is working through me.
Or maybe I’m overthinking and they won’t think either of those things, and they’ll be fully supportive because they know I’m following the truth in my heart. I won’t know until I just suck it up and do it.
Why don’t I just fucking do it?
The message I keep getting from Spirit is that I need to face this massive fear in order to overcome this massive rite of passage to really flourish in the next phase of my life. I know firsthand the empowerment that lies on the other side of facing my fears.
But I’m really, really scared this time.
I’ve done quite a few out-there things in my life, where I have totally shocked my family with big life decisions. I’ve been pretty ballsy, not gonna lie. They did always question me, my sanity, and my motives, but it always turned out for the best in the end. The Universe has always had my back, even before I knew they did. And right now, Spirit is guiding me to do this, to approach my family and to speak my truth. I need to just suck it up and do what I know I need to do.
But why is this one so.freaking.hard?!
Just a side note, my whole family isn’t like this, but there are a few who are, and I’ve had to calmly stand my ground when they confront me with their own fear-based beliefs about how I’m choosing to live my life.
I will not name any names, but even just at Thanksgiving when I was speaking with someone about how I connected with my grandpa in spirit, one family member stepped in and told me that what I’m doing was evil and I should stop. I told her that what I’m doing brings genuine peace and love in my heart, and I will not allow her own fears to deter me.
Anyway, I really need to get out of my head and just do what I know I need to do. This is a continuation of my last post on how my overthinking is causing me to miss out on opportunities and spiraling out with my growth.
I’m determined to grow, and I need to get the fuck out of my own way. Nobody is stopping me but me.
I’m taking some inspiration from Disney too. Moana and Elsa are kinda badasses. I’m just sayin’.
I’ve been standing at the edge of the water
Long as I can remember
Never really knowing why
I wish I could be the perfect daughter
But I come back to the water
No matter how hard I try
Every turn I take
Every trail I track
Every path I make
Every road leads back to the place I know
Where I cannot go
Where I long to be
See the line where the sky meets the sea
It calls me
No one knows how far it goes
If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
One day I’ll know
If I go there’s just no telling how far I’ll go…
It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all
It’s time to see
What I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
Let it go
Let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go
Let it go
You’ll never see me cry
Here I stand and here I’ll stay
Let the storm rage on…
Moana felt called to the ocean against her family’s will, to pursue this mysterious path. She knew it’s where she was supposed to be, but she wasn’t sure what it meant or what would come of it. But she followed it, she was supported by Spirit, and she saved her island like a badass.
Elsa was judged at first and everyone thought she was a monster, an evil sorceress, and she felt she had to conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know. Then once she overcame her fears, and she allowed herself to express who she truly was from a place of love, everyone in Arendelle adored her gift and she didn’t have to hide anymore.
I’m pushing 40, and I’ve had to go back to Disney movies to give me motivation. I’m not ashamed but it makes me laugh.
I’m also glad I’ve got the mystical Saint Francis of Assisi on my side as well. It’s no wonder I was mysteriously called to him as a kid. Make me a channel of your peace.
I’m sure at Christmas, people will be asking me what I’m up to. Here’s to getting the courage to step up and say what I need to say. Maybe they’ll judge me, or maybe they’ll be inspired by me. Regardless, fuck off, fear.
And together we will float into the mystic…