(Bitter)Sweet Surrender

Soooo…I put in my two weeks’ notice at work.

No, I don’t have another job lined up.

No, I don’t know exactly what I’m meant to do next.

No, I don’t care if you think I’m crazy. Non-hyperbole-ic-ly, I felt the call to do it deep in my soul.

Like for real.

That night when I went to bed, I experienced some craaaazy metaphysical shit (constant euphoria in the head and heart spaces, blinding bright flashing lights when I closed my eyes, swirling sensations, etc.). I also woke up at 3:33 (and a few other nights since), and I have still been seeing 3s everywhere. This was all confirmation that I did the right thing. Don’t know the significance of 3s for me? Check that out here.

I don’t know what it all really means yet, but I fully trust I’m being divinely guided and I’ll figure it all out along the way–even though it may seem illogical to all you side-eyers.

I’m fine.

Back around February or so, I started to get the feeling that I would be leaving my job soon. You know the feeling I’m talking about — when you just know something, but when asked how you know, you can’t explain it.

I don’t know HOW I know. I just KNOW.

That’s your intuition, or your soul speaking to you. When it doesn’t come from a logical thought or idea, but it’s just a deep knowing–always trust it, even if it seems illogical or downright terrifying. It’s a higher calling, and there’s a reason for it.

It had been incredibly stressful at work and was getting worse. Not just because of my work buddies who were laid off after the buyout (check out that story here–I mean, you know, if you want), but there were many things that have compiled over time, making it nearly impossible for me to stick around.

I am a very motivated, driven person, and I usually laugh through stressful situations. Which admittedly sometimes makes things awkward for others, but I digress. This time though, I completely shut down. I couldn’t get any work done.

Literally nothing.

I would just sit and stare at my computer screen, get up and walk around, start crying because I didn’t know what was happening to me, and then sit back down and stare at my screen again.

Straight up awful and unfulfilling af. Nothing I tried could get me to snap out of it–my brain just would.not.work.

Multiple times a day, “surrender” messages were blasted in my face. Songs, memes, conversations with others. All day, everywhere.

I AM surrendering! I’m accepting what is, as sucky as it may be, and going with the flow!

I was flowing, dang it…or so I thought.

What I came to realize, however, is that I was wearing myself out, trying to fight to stay in what used to be my “comfort zone”, not letting go of something that was apparently no longer meant for me.

This was actually creating resistance against the flow.

Once I finally gave in, truly surrendered, and spoke my truth, I felt a metaphorical and literal weight lifted off my inner being, which created that euphoric feeling that I described above.

Pure fucking bliss.

Don’t get me wrong, this entire situation has been incredibly heartbreaking for me, and I love my coworkers and will miss them so much. But I was unfulfilled with my work and was really starting to lose myself, and I refuse to stay in soul-sucking situations where I feel I’m no longer meant to be.

If you’re ever in a situation where you have to fight and fight and fight for it to work out, perhaps it’s just not meant to work out, at least not right now, and the Universe is making you so damn uncomfortable, forcing you to do nothing else but let go and surrender to the guidance down a new path.

Not everything that was once meant for you will always be meant for you, as heartbreaking and scary as it can be to accept.

You truly do have to breathe out all the stale shit before you can make room for all the fresh, new, good shit. Even if you have no freaking clue what that new shit is, if it comes from a higher calling, it’s always gonna be better than that stale shit. Breathe it out and let it go.

You guys, yes, I am a tiny bit anxious here. But I’m mostly pumped as hell to see what the Universe has in store for me next.

2 thoughts on “(Bitter)Sweet Surrender

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